"What we eat secretly in the dark, will be seen from our vomits". This is a translation of one of the common proverbs used by elders in my country, Zambia. It just happens that the proverb has come to pass in my life over events that happened lately.

The last one week has been a very difficult period for me as I had to deal with the loss of my only son who passed away during the night of 17th June 2006 in Zambia. Just as the loss of the child was very difficult for me, it was also very difficult for me to announce the death of the child to my friends and peers. It took me half a day of thinking and reflecting on issues surrounding my life before I made the announcement of the death of the child.

Firstly, I lost my first son Jabbes Jr on 23rd October 2001. On 23rd December, 2001, I lost my Dad. Driven by this double loss, my love for the two departed beloved ones, and my wish to keep my son Jabbes Jr in my heart all the time, I decided to come to the United States of America to pursue studies in Film. The end of the road is to make a movie about the ups and downs of my life, the big achievements that I've made as well as the mistakes (especially in my relationships with women). I just want to bring out the passion and drama that I have created through the years of my life. This movie should be coming sometime in 2008, if God keeps me until that time.

The desire to pursue all this will probably show you the strong bond that I have with my children. Other than the late Jabbes Jr, am still blessed with Judith Chikondi, aged 14 and Taonga Thokozani aged 5. I am very close to these two girls, I sing about them everyday just like every other parent does. Almost everyone that has associated with me, the first thing they get to know about me is the fact that I have two great daughters, Judith and Thokozani. With this background, when I got the sad news about the demise of my second son Kondwani (meaning Rejoice or Happiness), I had a lot of difficulties to announce his death to friends when from the onset, I never told anyone that I had another son. What everyone knows is that I had only one son who passed away in 2001, and that I only have 2 daughters, period. The question now has been where does Kondwani come from?

CONFESSION - The late Kondwani was born in February 2005, just two months after I left Zambia for the United States. He was a product of one great mistake that I made before I left Zambia (it was "Bad Timing" for me). There is no other way I can put it other than just this - I made a mistake that led to the birth of Kondwani, and because of this mistake, I was suppossed to present myself before some elders and make things right before I could proudly sing that I have a son. I never talked about the child because of the dark cloud that hung and surrounded his birth. But despite this, let me make it very clear that I was loking forward to going back home to make things right and be able to hold him in my arms and tell my friend that now I have a son to keep my name going, it was never meant to be.

PRIVACY - My culture demends complete privacy to mistakes especially by elders. Where I come from, we never wash dirty linen in public. It is against this background that I kept my mistakes so private, hoping that I would have a chance to make them right, but that chance never came. Despite enjoying a bit of limelight, you may have to bear with me that am also entitled to some privacy. As much as I have tried to be open, I should admit that I never discuss my mistakes openly, unless you are so close to me or unless I feel you need to know. In the same vein, I don't derive pleasure in poking my nose in other people's privacy, unless they willingly feel I should know about their issues. For example, the one and half years I have been here, I have really missed a kiss, but it's not for everyone to know.

By the way, I still need a son, but for now, my energy is on the project, but I hope to channel all my energies to making a son after the film project.

Having made this Confession of a Black Sheep, let me end by appreciating the great love, concern and care that I received from all my friends. Everyone close to me has been very supportive and am so humbled with the kind of support that I received. This has really made my loss lighter, and it is my prayer that God will richly bless everyone for the Love that they have given me.